schooled. Week 1.

Orientation began at 8:00 AM last Monday and ended at 4:00 PM Friday. And every hour was scheduled. I was home around 10 every night and left at 6:30 AM each morning.

How strange to see my children a total of 10 minutes awake. Or what seemed like 10 minutes.

What I learned in my first week attempt at PhD:

- I'm vulnerable.

and have very thin skin. One reason I wanted to stop auditions was the call back. Where you return and perform in front of your competition. last week was a callback. Not that I perceive my fellow students as competition. But it still had a callback feel. Particularly by the end of the week when I was very, very tired. I tend to think of this as my hallucination period.

Kind words can bring me to tears.

So can smiles. and familiar friends from the past.

I did nothing at my house last week. And if it weren't for some amazing parents, I don't know what we would have done. Not only was the house clean, dishes put away, family fed, but my daughters were schooled, homework completed, and lawn mowed without a finger lifted by me.

It was insane how kind and giving my parents were. And now that they are gone (refusing my cries for them to move in and take care of me until my vulnerable period ends)....I am on my own.

So I will continue to claim hallucinations until my skin thickens a bit. And I stop perceiving unfounded emotions from others. Or opinions of me.

Because I will just continue to tell my psyche: this is not middle school. this is not middle school. this is not middle school.

today.

Listening to the cashier and customer in front of me talk as I loaded the belt with sugar free candy and broccoli, I thought I heard the word marijuana. Not usually the word that pops up when checking out.

And then the two continued. Talking about how hard it is to quit. To stay off of it. And how so many states are legalizing it for medicinal purposes. This continued while my food was scanned and thrown into bags.

Okay. So the two bonded over an important topic to us all. But I couldn't stop staring and thinking how odd. 18 year old cashier and 40 year old mom. In Utah.

More important? They talked through my entire checkout time. Like I was part of the conversation, though I didn't utter a word. If I'm paying for groceries I at least want some attention. From someone. Isn't that part of the purchasing experience?

And then in the car, on the way to the library, I spotted a woman wearing a bonnet. In a normal residential neighborhood.

Just out for a stroll.