spilt.

Today I made a lot of mistakes:

I forced myself out of bed.

I burnt a crockpot dinner.

I woke Millie from a nap at a stage when she never naps.

I purchased doritos for a rebate only to discover that they do not meet the rebate requirements.

I forgot to use a fifty cent coupon that expired today, causing me personal frustration at the knowledge that my ten items could have been $3.56 instead of the $4.06 I paid.

I boiled my hot chocolate to the point of overflowing - loosing half of the original cup to the microwave.

I wallowed in a pile of academic readings on art, creativity, and aging; accomplishing absolutely nothing.

And I allowed all of the above to accumulate into overwhelming anxiety.

photo via Dano

angry...

i've been angsty. and angry. a lot lately. and whenever i get this feeling, i just want to beat something up.

...like a pillow. or a blanket. because i'm pretty much a wimp.

i remember feeling this way in college. one night. after play rehearsal, i ended up walking home alone. at about midnight. i had the alarm that judy gave to me in case i found myself in this exact situtation. but i didn't pull it out.

i walked quickly. and kept thinking, not tonight rapist. don't even attempt. and if you do, i will not allow it. i will so hurt you. bad. really bad. because i am not in the mood. not even. so bring it. i dare you to even try.

because in my angst i get numb. and feel a bit of the outer body in my thoughts. looking at them as if they don't really effect me. judging them as if they don't belong to me.

and can't hurt.

dreaming.

Maybe it was the batch of no bake cookes that I ate. by myself. (and no, Amy, I'm not talking about the healthy kind). But I've been having crazy dreams.

In one prominent dream from last week I caught Clin holding hands with Tanya.

Who's Tanya? A friend from the high school years. Who still lives in Oregon. The only contact I have with her is through Facebook. And this past week I was impressed when she reported that she ran 16 miles. At one time. Awesome.

Back to the dream: They were sitting across the room from me. Clin was caressing her right hand with his right hand underneath his left arm. An attempt to hide it from me. So I speak up, "Hello. I see you. You're holding her hand. I'm sitting right in front of you."

He acted like he couldn't see or hear me. And everyone else in the room (did I mention that the room was full of people?) tried to ignore what was happening. After I spoke up he didn't move his hand. And so my volume grew louder as I continued to speak and wave my arms at him.

And I felt angry. but empowered that I was calling him out. and standing up for myself.

So. What does it all mean?

photo via h.koppdelaney