slow to start.

What began as a very encouraging first week back in school has now turned into the traumatic, looming, forecasting of things to come. Really. I hear the haunting music in the background. Right now.

Stats quiz #1 - 40%. Yeah for me!!!! I have two more chances to take the thing. However, the questions change with each try.

And honest - I thought I had control of the content, otherwise I would have in no way attempted the quiz.

Fear now ensues.

lazy.

ah, the week before school begins. so nice in that it creates anticipation that encourages buckets of anxiety. and this semester it just so coincides with the week of my feminine cycle that holds the greatest amount of angst and hallucinations. fun times for all!

Really.

i had an entire "to-do" list that has been flushed and replaced with absolute nothings. like sleeping in. kind of. after laying awake all night thinking about:
-lousy tuition and how i'm going to make it a reality minus debt.
-or contemplating the hazards of leaving a full recycling bin out on the curb for a week, because we never seem to put it out on the right week. and it overfloweth. and is causing me turn to hording. newspapers and milk jug stacks in all crevices!
-or looking at the past seven years in detailed lists and realizing that i don't feel that much ahead of where i was in 2003.
-future job prospects, in that by the time this degree ends i'll be just about 40 and will anyone really want to hire a non-nurse gerontologist with a PhD in nursing?

Probably not.

So then I roll over and wait for my nasal passage to drain to the other side. ready for the one second of double nostril breathing that will bring a momentary reprieve.

that is why I now blog. to do something other than review the files of anxiety that pile in this brain.

so this week has been filled with lazy interactions with Millie - as she is off track for 2.5 more weeks. we work on letters, sounds, reading, games, and whisk Ellis from Silverpups to treats of Icees and library visits. Then afternoons spent running around high school auditoriums while watching rehearsals for this.

and i've done the dishes. they get done. for now.

next week will be deadlines, spaghetti-waffle dinners, and expectations gallore.

anxious and insecure.

Perhaps it is the eggnog that I had for breakfast. I should not drink eggnog for breakfast. That is what I've learned this morning.

But PhD studies is like a big fat mirror pushed really close to your face and you can see all of your pores, hair, and other exciting weaknesses.

One of which is my inability to accept that I make mistakes. I know that I do, but I cannot handle it when other people think that I've made a mistake. Particularly when it was unintentional. No - particularly when it really wasn't a mistake, but is an assumed mistake on the part of the recipient. And I hate being misunderstood, because that is when I get really, really anxious that something bad is going to happen and have trouble breathing and it doesn't go away.

You know - many of these misunderstandings happen via email, where I send out a message and get something highly unexpected in return...

In the past my solution has often been to declare a decrease in the little socialization that I have. You know, ban myself from people. The thought of which calms me, but it never works because people keep unbanning themselves from me.

So perhaps my solution needs to be more focused to email. However, I can't figure out how to actually ban myself from email without it hurting my grades, job, life. Insight anyone?

spilt.

Today I made a lot of mistakes:

I forced myself out of bed.

I burnt a crockpot dinner.

I woke Millie from a nap at a stage when she never naps.

I purchased doritos for a rebate only to discover that they do not meet the rebate requirements.

I forgot to use a fifty cent coupon that expired today, causing me personal frustration at the knowledge that my ten items could have been $3.56 instead of the $4.06 I paid.

I boiled my hot chocolate to the point of overflowing - loosing half of the original cup to the microwave.

I wallowed in a pile of academic readings on art, creativity, and aging; accomplishing absolutely nothing.

And I allowed all of the above to accumulate into overwhelming anxiety.

photo via Dano

grossed out.

There is nothing worse than stickers on skin.

(Well, maybe long finger nails.)

But just looking at this picture makes me vomit a little.

Thank goodness the girls have one parent who allows them sticker fun.

Because I cannot go there.

Ugh.

Just posting this.....

makes me want to close my computer.

Now.

inviting you too!

No time for tears. Not today. Only anger. A happy moment last night (thank you Office) turned to angst, and anger. THANK YOU Appraiser. I would like an opportunity to appraise you.

That's right. You heard me. I went there.

And today is filled. with inspecting the pottery barn.

And tonight? Only a 10 course tasting menu that the Mia Maids are throwing for a lucky couple who bid at the ward auction. Pictures to come.

so that you, too, can join in on appraising me. and my life.

itchin'.

me. right now.

on the verge of something. I can't grasp. and the shaking won't stop.

perhaps it's tears. or 5 almost tears.

I've been searching the box junket. Resigning myself to free boxes, since movers will be taking our money. (Pay! for movers? AH!) But we have a piano. And it is probably best that it not be moved by me. or Clin. or anyone. but a professional.

Yesterday I followed a craigslist lead and showed up at the house just as someone was loading all boxes into her van. That's okay. They weren't that great. And we saw some sheep.

But I'll tell ya, freecycle? craigslist?- boxes go fast.

So I then attempted Wal-Mart this AM. Evidently you can take whatever boxes they set out. First come thing. So I got there at 5:55 AM. Testing it out. And as I walked to my box rendez-vous ....I didn't see any. (Verging tears #1) And I thought how crazy. to get up at 5:30 for nothing. I turned the corner and hit shopping cart pay dirt. One whole cart full of Malt-O-Meal boxes, all collapsed and ready for my trunk.

one employee said: I'd take those straight to your car, if I were you.

Warning heeded. And I ran to the parking lot. Suspecting everyone. Leary. Why else do you go to Wal-Mart at 6:00 AM?

Then, home, I offered to make Clin a nutritional breakfast. Because that's the wife I am. He refused and ate a healthy pop-tart. So I packed leftovers for his lunch and promptly dropped them on the floor. (Tears #2)

And it is now evident that he would prefer me in bed at such hours, so that his morning person can actually accomplish life without the extras brought about by my non-morning psyche.

Millie awoke, happily, to the commotion. And I tried to talk her back to bed. Why are you out of bed, mom? Why was I? Why? So the day began. Knowing that her morning euphoria would not last. (dam holding back tears #3)

9:00 AM - out to mow the shaggy carpet we lovingly call our lawn. And to let the girls bask in springtime bliss. 9:10 AM - lawnmower won't start and I can't remember where to spray the fluid to get it to start. So I spray the whole thing. 9:15 AM - (tears #4)

At least I can weed wack. Right? That is something I can do. On my own. My one ability of yard work empowerment. But the cord won't pull. It's stuck. I can't even get it out of the machine. (brimming #5) Forget empowerment. Forget self reliance. Forget knowing how to do anything.

I spray the dandelions.

Put Millie on her bike. You will ride your bike once a day. And you will like it!

Riding: I like it mom. Look! I like it.

10:15 AM. Time to shower. or cry.

photo via Ryner12