missing my bed.

Here's to our flowerbed. Handpicked and planted before we had kids. And now a bit overgrown. Full of perennials.

I'll miss the happy, curvy curbing. The blue oat grass, the tree shrub (looks like a tree, but is actually a shrub - our own Charlie Brown tree), and the allium.

Purple, pretty allium.

We planted 3 bulbs, and were so sad when only two came up. This year? 10 blooms. TEN!

sacking the cul-de-sac.

Goodbye to watching the world from our driveway.

We've seen a lot in this circle.

Pitt bulls forcing us inside, swat teams swarming our yards, police enforcing evictions.

And now. things are calm. yards are in. dogs are gone. potato bugs rule the roust. and everyone just does what they need to do.

A few weeks ago, our neighbor transported us to Italy as he sat on his porch, playing on his accordion. And I knew our little cul-de-sac had made it to a peaceful place.

I guess that means it's time. No more fearlessly running into the street. Clin. It's someone else's turn now. Our future is straight.

leaving.

It's time to say goodbye. To everything I love about Lehi. Four days left. So this week, let's focus on what I'm going to miss.

And to my Lehi friends, I just can't go there. I mean - I can't even say goodbye to you. No offense. I just can't even. So here's to the surroundings, the feelings, the everyday awesome.

Like the view.

I'll miss the cows. and the fields.

Lehi taught my girls the difference between sheep, horses, cows, and goats. I'll miss seeing babies in the spring, talking to the animals as we drive by, and always having an excuse to moo.

sensing something new. and old.

Tonight I spent one hour at a senior piano recital. As in high school senior. Not citizen senior. and it was perfect. in many ways. I was by myself. in the back row. and able to dip into my own thoughts without interruption.

thank you classical music. a place I don't visit as often as I should. or used to. and i was reminded of how i used to feel. intimately knowing a song, fingers running without thought. only sense. touch. eyes closing. because to play in the dark is to feel the music. and to think the feelings. loosing worry. or functional thought. living through the sense.

cathartic experience that it was. i closed my eyes and was lost. like i used to. only not playing. listening. wishing i was playing. wanting lessons and feelings again. and calm. tears began running. and i blubbered on. grateful for peace. and music. a time out. and a release.

photo via Hryck

angry...

i've been angsty. and angry. a lot lately. and whenever i get this feeling, i just want to beat something up.

...like a pillow. or a blanket. because i'm pretty much a wimp.

i remember feeling this way in college. one night. after play rehearsal, i ended up walking home alone. at about midnight. i had the alarm that judy gave to me in case i found myself in this exact situtation. but i didn't pull it out.

i walked quickly. and kept thinking, not tonight rapist. don't even attempt. and if you do, i will not allow it. i will so hurt you. bad. really bad. because i am not in the mood. not even. so bring it. i dare you to even try.

because in my angst i get numb. and feel a bit of the outer body in my thoughts. looking at them as if they don't really effect me. judging them as if they don't belong to me.

and can't hurt.

sobbing nostalgic: friends.

Come on! Be my Elton, Gladys, or Stevie and sing along. You know you want to. And feel free to cry a little.

I'll be back with a real post soon. I promise. Thanks for sharing in the memories. That's what friends are for!

sobbing nostalgic: eclipse.

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit. But as a freshman in college, I took a Jazz Dance class. And for our final we had to choreograph a song.

This is the song that I chose.

And I choregraphed it in my tiny dorm room. Where no one could see. And I cried. Puddles.

My dance involved turning. A lot. And I felt good. Inspired.

Almost enough to actually dance my emotion in front of the entire class.

But my dignity overcame the emotion and I quietly hid in the back, hoping time would run out. Which it did. And I only had to submit the written version of the dance.

And I am fortunate that it is lost. Forever.

*P.S. this video rocks!

sobbing nostalgic: rhapsody.

Sixth grade. My sisters gave me the sheet music for this. I had never heard it before. I thought it was kind of strange. But for the sake of sisterly approval, I took it to my piano lesson and asked my instructor to help me learn it.

I grew to LOVE this song. The more I played, the more the tears came. Especially the opening...before I see a little silhouette of a man.

My sisters must have laughed a lot, hearing a little sixth grader sing:

Mama, just killed a man.

Okay, not so funny now. In a post-Columbine world. But back in my innocence, I never payed attention to the actual words. Only my tears.

And now I just really want this song on Guitar Hero. You agree, right? Guitar Hero with all Queen songs....awesome.

sobbing nostalgic: eyes.

This is one that Clin's students did not know. How can Debbie Gibson be forgotten so easily? Her songs don't stand the test of time? They do. In my heart.

sobbing nostalgic: waiting.

Everyone knew this puppy on the piano. It was almost like Heart & Soul. And while I loved watching the tears fall while I listened, I grew tired of turning over my piano to listen to others play.

sobbing nostalgic: love.

This one's not a shocker. You cried too. I know it. And I'm still crying.

4th grade talent show. I lipsynched to this. And I took my glasses off for the performance.



When asked why I performed without glasses, my response?

Without glasses I can't see people and won't get nervous.

The real reason?

I wanted to look pretty.

sobbing nostalgic: yesterday.

I memorized every word. And would write them down during moments of extra sentimentality. Usually in class. Thinking about a boy.

sobbing nostalgic: sorry.

This is a good one. Sobbing to this one while playing it on the piano. Nothing more cathartic.

And on a couple of occasions, when I was truly mean to friends, I recorded my version on casette. Left it in a tape player on their doorstep. Rang the doorbell and ran. Did it work? I'm still talking to one of the 2 recipients. So 50%. Not bad.

sobbing nostalgic: air.

My favorite moment to hear this song? When getting ready for a dance. or a date. on the radio. looking in the mirror. perfection.

sobbing nostalgic.

Clin is working on Back To The 80's...The Totally Awesome Musical!

We keep talking about our favorite songs from the era. Many of which his students have never heard. And those students are excited for their parents to see the musical because their parents are children of the 80's. What? Can the children of the 80's already be the parents of teens?

Of course they can. But it doesn't seem that long ago.

So in my current state...

(what state is that, you ask? Oh the state of PMS. Never been there? You should visit because you are totally missing out.)

...I keep remembering and hearing songs that used to make me cry. (Ok. They still make me cry. Whatever.) And there were 2 favorite places for sobbing to songs:

1. In front of the mirror


2. In the living room of my parents' house, looking out the window into the park that bordered our backyard. And it had to be dark, and often raining, in order to see my reflection.

So I thought that the rest of this week could be dedicated to songs, rocking songs, that inspired tears and sobs.

Enjoy!

photo via ♥ Jaye

mortimer ichabod marker.

I forgot. Completely forgot. And was nicely surprised to stumble upon this. The theme song alone gave me a happy rush.