Thursday, October 28, 2010

anxious and insecure.

Perhaps it is the eggnog that I had for breakfast. I should not drink eggnog for breakfast. That is what I've learned this morning.

But PhD studies is like a big fat mirror pushed really close to your face and you can see all of your pores, hair, and other exciting weaknesses.

One of which is my inability to accept that I make mistakes. I know that I do, but I cannot handle it when other people think that I've made a mistake. Particularly when it was unintentional. No - particularly when it really wasn't a mistake, but is an assumed mistake on the part of the recipient. And I hate being misunderstood, because that is when I get really, really anxious that something bad is going to happen and have trouble breathing and it doesn't go away.

You know - many of these misunderstandings happen via email, where I send out a message and get something highly unexpected in return...

In the past my solution has often been to declare a decrease in the little socialization that I have. You know, ban myself from people. The thought of which calms me, but it never works because people keep unbanning themselves from me.

So perhaps my solution needs to be more focused to email. However, I can't figure out how to actually ban myself from email without it hurting my grades, job, life. Insight anyone?


AmyMak said...

Jackie, not sure I have wisdom to give you and I have no idea of the situation but thoughts off the top of my head:
1) Sorry you feel like crap about this. You shouldn't. You're smart, funny, ambitious, and human - you'll continue to make mistakes just like everyone!
2) You're in the field of education where students are curious. They are learning, constantly asking questions, criticizing, arguing.
3) The most impressed I have been with someone is when someone is humble and says, "I'm sorry you misunderstood" or "I'm sorry I made a mistake," or something like that you know? It completely takes the sails out of someone trying to cut you down.

Anyway, I think you're great. God has given you gifts girl. Don't be afraid to use them.

Anna said...

That's a tough situation. You, like me, stew over things that probably aren't that big of a deal to the other party. I hate that feeling!

I remember when you felt similar insecurities about being a new missionary and learning French (minus the e-mail). You rose to the occasion then and you will rise again, Sloppy Slurp. I think you are amazing.