Tuesday, October 18, 2011


I now own a heating pad. And my feet are full of joy. Beautiful invention.

I'm hoping the warmth spreads. Every now and then I get the craving for something to inspire and excite. To feel something other.

Like support. Warm support. Saying, "Awesome, so glad you are doing this, what a great choice, nice work, you can do this, don't give up, keep going, keep moving, this is for you."

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

numb, with a slight paralysis of the shoulder.

I'm posting.

Today was hard.

Not for me.

For Millie.

She's in 1st now.

And the genius of Junie B. Jones is that it's almost real. Like looking in a mirror. At my daughter.

1 week of school in. Full days. And she has turned into this talk-a-tive, non-listening, hyper child.

Today I received my first phone call from the school. Panic attack, until I heard Millie's voice:
Mom. I need you to bring me a shirt. I spilled all over my shirt. Come now. I'm in the office.
I'm there. And her shirt, yellow and new for the school year, had chocolate running down the front with a bunch of strawberry smatterings for highlight.

Today was her first time purchasing school lunch. And her mother never taught her to drink from the chocolate milk cartons without a straw.

And her teachers moved her desk. Why?
Because they said that it would be better for me.
What does that mean? Has she been misbehaving? Non-stop talking? A problem student?

That wasn't the case last year. But all of a sudden her talking switch has been turned on, and every new person she meets tells me "she certainly likes to talk."

And the girl that I know who so badly wants to get to pink, is bumped warning and then informs me:
When my teacher gets mad and says, "Millie this is your warning!", I just cross my eyes like this.
And then she crosses her eyes.

Wish she would do that with me. Instead, I get yelling, crying, screaming, door slamming, apologies that then meld back into our cycle 'o' fatigue. For I am sure that is the cause. Right? Right?

I'm saying right. Cause it makes me feel better. And what if I hadn't been home today?

Monday, February 21, 2011

missing you. you little blog you.

seriously missing. but i fear that if i commit to other things, school will go down the tube. in particular? my stats grades, which includes 2 quizzes of 100%, and a practice midterm of 92%. that is right, there is hope for me in this numerical world. the real midterm (next week) threatens to beat me back down to my pre-semester humility. but i will admit that z-scores pretty much rock. that's right. i said it.

so back to my fear of tubing, i'm committing a few seconds to note a couple of important observations that i pretty much love:
  1. Millie says "I love you" to her friends all the time. And she gives them hugs. Without them saying it to her first. And she does it in public. Seriously - random I loves, to those with whom she interacts for perhaps five minutes once a week. Random love is like z-scores. Both cut out the confusion, jump to the point, in a language that all can understand. Basically both are just plain awesome.

  2. Ellis has a bad habit. And it's kind of my fault. When frustrated, or worried, she enjoys saying, "dannit." Yeah. Not quite the articulation of her mother, but she's really working on it. And we are really trying to emphasize that darn-it is a much better word. And then she says, "we aren't supposed to say bad words. Dannit is a bad word. We shouldn't say dannit." And we'll say, that's right Ellis we don't say bad words. And she'll say, "Like dannit. Dannit is a very bad word. Millie we're not supposed to say dannit." And that will go on, because more than anything, repeating the word often in an attempt to explain its' badness is the ultimate goal. And I'll admit that's pretty awesome.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

slow to start.

What began as a very encouraging first week back in school has now turned into the traumatic, looming, forecasting of things to come. Really. I hear the haunting music in the background. Right now.

Stats quiz #1 - 40%. Yeah for me!!!! I have two more chances to take the thing. However, the questions change with each try.

And honest - I thought I had control of the content, otherwise I would have in no way attempted the quiz.

Fear now ensues.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

so proud...

of my genes.

Millie is getting the glasses. I thought that perhaps two negatives might make a positive.

Clin - glasses in 1st grade


Jackie - glasses in 1st grade


Glasses in Kindergarten!!!!

I sat in on the eye exam and was pretty surprised at how large the letters had to be for Millie to see them. And this is our gift to you.

Millie sassed the optometrist. Yes she did.

I will NOT wear glasses.

I will NOT try on glasses.

Even though she has 2 friends who wear glasses.

She pointed to a picture of herself on the computer from last summer: I want to be her.

What do you mean?

I want to be me. Not with glasses.

How does a 5 year old make the connection that glasses will change an individual? Where does that come from? The same conclusion that I made many years ago, when my self image was based on the idea that glasses decreased individual attraction. And worked an entire summer to save for contacts. That were supposed to make me less shy and increase beauty.

It didn't work.

She picked out some specs, and now looks for them in the mail everyday. Excited to wear them to see the MDT Review. Hoping it might make a difference in what she can see.

I think they will make her completely awesome. When we chose baby names, Clin and I tried to choose names that we could envision on little girls with glasses.

See. We planned it this way.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


ah, the week before school begins. so nice in that it creates anticipation that encourages buckets of anxiety. and this semester it just so coincides with the week of my feminine cycle that holds the greatest amount of angst and hallucinations. fun times for all!


i had an entire "to-do" list that has been flushed and replaced with absolute nothings. like sleeping in. kind of. after laying awake all night thinking about:
-lousy tuition and how i'm going to make it a reality minus debt.
-or contemplating the hazards of leaving a full recycling bin out on the curb for a week, because we never seem to put it out on the right week. and it overfloweth. and is causing me turn to hording. newspapers and milk jug stacks in all crevices!
-or looking at the past seven years in detailed lists and realizing that i don't feel that much ahead of where i was in 2003.
-future job prospects, in that by the time this degree ends i'll be just about 40 and will anyone really want to hire a non-nurse gerontologist with a PhD in nursing?

Probably not.

So then I roll over and wait for my nasal passage to drain to the other side. ready for the one second of double nostril breathing that will bring a momentary reprieve.

that is why I now blog. to do something other than review the files of anxiety that pile in this brain.

so this week has been filled with lazy interactions with Millie - as she is off track for 2.5 more weeks. we work on letters, sounds, reading, games, and whisk Ellis from Silverpups to treats of Icees and library visits. Then afternoons spent running around high school auditoriums while watching rehearsals for this.

and i've done the dishes. they get done. for now.

next week will be deadlines, spaghetti-waffle dinners, and expectations gallore.