Sunday, August 29, 2010

schooled. Week 1.

Orientation began at 8:00 AM last Monday and ended at 4:00 PM Friday. And every hour was scheduled. I was home around 10 every night and left at 6:30 AM each morning.

How strange to see my children a total of 10 minutes awake. Or what seemed like 10 minutes.

What I learned in my first week attempt at PhD:

- I'm vulnerable.

and have very thin skin. One reason I wanted to stop auditions was the call back. Where you return and perform in front of your competition. last week was a callback. Not that I perceive my fellow students as competition. But it still had a callback feel. Particularly by the end of the week when I was very, very tired. I tend to think of this as my hallucination period.

Kind words can bring me to tears.

So can smiles. and familiar friends from the past.

I did nothing at my house last week. And if it weren't for some amazing parents, I don't know what we would have done. Not only was the house clean, dishes put away, family fed, but my daughters were schooled, homework completed, and lawn mowed without a finger lifted by me.

It was insane how kind and giving my parents were. And now that they are gone (refusing my cries for them to move in and take care of me until my vulnerable period ends)....I am on my own.

So I will continue to claim hallucinations until my skin thickens a bit. And I stop perceiving unfounded emotions from others. Or opinions of me.

Because I will just continue to tell my psyche: this is not middle school. this is not middle school. this is not middle school.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

a big, fat, piece of cake.

Yes I am. And whenever I feel like dessert I want to eat more. And then it becomes this mad circle that spirals into a slow motion life of little motivation.

That's right, and top on my no-motivation list? Scrapbooking. Hair. Getting out of bed. Showers. Cleaning. Brushing my teeth. Cooking. Dishes.

And then my resentment increases at others for sitting while I have to move. Because. I. don't. want. to. move.

To fight this? I made lemon squares AND Halfway cookies yesterday. Today I plan on making the homemade oreos.

But I have a really good reason. Payment for the substitutes in primary. 36 instructors equals a lot of subs. And the few who actually say yes to subing are getting burnt out.

So my evolution into dessert will be shared, so that the majority of these feelings will not end up in my stomach. But on someone else's doorstep.

And then I will go back to bed.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

pondering my stance on beards.

Except I really love the fact that my brother has a beard. And I hope he never goes without. It fits him. You know?

And my first thought in seeing a new picture of him on facebook with a trimmed out beard was:
I need to share this feeling of beard satisfaction with the world.
My uncle has always had a beard. And I like that too.

However, I'm really glad that Clin is without.

Friday, August 13, 2010

set straight.

Millie loves to try on clothes. On her terms.

They must sparkle.

And spin.

In an attempt to get her to branch out and try some jean shorts:

Me: Barbie! Come and try these one.

Millie: I'm not Barbie. I'm a rockstar.

A rockstar who refuses jean shorts.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

looking for space in the freezer.

30 meals in 1 day.

Yes I did.

And i turned 9 of those into double for a grand total of 39.

That equals 10 meals per month. For the next 4 months. That's the plan.

Outside of that it's pb&j.

or cereal.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

going to kindergarten.

So Tuesday was the day. Summer officially over. And in our anticipation we set out her clothes the night before. 7:30 am, who should peek into our room?

Millie. Fully dressed. And ready to go.

Me: When did you get dressed? Have you been up for awhile?

Millie: No. I slept in them.

I still haven't established when she and how she accomplished this, because at midnight she was still in the p.j.'s.

Of note on the first day of the kindergarten:

--push chairs in when the teacher calls you up.

--Don't throw bark.

--If you can't get on the swing by yourself then you are not old enough to swing.

And we have been practicing the hand motions required for requesting use of the bathroom. All day.

Millie and I plan on implementing these rules with Clin.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

checking in.

Here it is the beginning of August. Let's see if I've done anything that I planned to do as of my last post. Because the plan was to be done by August 1st. And focus on my girls. Solely on my girls.

Scrapbooking the first 3 years of my girls lives - I have not started. However, my evenings will be free these first few weeks of August, and slapping some glue on some pics and throwing them in binders will be the minimal goal and I will get this done. And I continue to ask, why do I dread this so?

Update my online Research Course for Fall - Done. Almost. The finishing touches are going on tonight. No matter how late I need to stay up. But in the mad prepping of the past two weeks I learned something awesome. BYU has copy machines in their library that allow you to scan to your email. So instead of wasting all of my coins? I completely mastered the free world of scanning. Seriously, awesome.

We met Millie's teacher. And guess what? She assigned homework. Millie's first homework. And here is the result. All ready for the first day of class.

It's supposed to be Millie. And she did it all herself, cutting, pasting, coloring. The only thing that I did was tie the bow on top. But she placed it. Very Project Runway, don't you think?

As for that Wallace Stegner novel? Scratched. Because I have homework. 3 weeks until school starts, yet I have articles and a nice thick book to read.

So Stegner will have to wait 3 or 5 years. But at least this assigned book is one I've been wanting to read.