checking in.

Here it is the beginning of August. Let's see if I've done anything that I planned to do as of my last post. Because the plan was to be done by August 1st. And focus on my girls. Solely on my girls.

Scrapbooking the first 3 years of my girls lives - I have not started. However, my evenings will be free these first few weeks of August, and slapping some glue on some pics and throwing them in binders will be the minimal goal and I will get this done. And I continue to ask, why do I dread this so?

Update my online Research Course for Fall - Done. Almost. The finishing touches are going on tonight. No matter how late I need to stay up. But in the mad prepping of the past two weeks I learned something awesome. BYU has copy machines in their library that allow you to scan to your email. So instead of wasting all of my coins? I completely mastered the free world of scanning. Seriously, awesome.

We met Millie's teacher. And guess what? She assigned homework. Millie's first homework. And here is the result. All ready for the first day of class.

It's supposed to be Millie. And she did it all herself, cutting, pasting, coloring. The only thing that I did was tie the bow on top. But she placed it. Very Project Runway, don't you think?

As for that Wallace Stegner novel? Scratched. Because I have homework. 3 weeks until school starts, yet I have articles and a nice thick book to read.

So Stegner will have to wait 3 or 5 years. But at least this assigned book is one I've been wanting to read.

in mourning...

for the life that was full of potential but never realized.

doesn't returning to your childhood haunts do that to you?

it makes me sad. every time. and i think of things. like how in first grade i visited Portland, and then wrote that i did not see shark meat, avocados, or policemen on horse in really great handwriting.

my mom and my sister said it was really great hand writing. for first grade.

and i think. at that time. what potential was seen? and was it realized?

not fully. i'm sure. or at all in the manner imagined.

kind of sad.

and now.

the time spent with my girls is coming to an end. and i'm sad.

for i had a vision of the potential of that time. and it wasn't fully realized.

and i also really want that family that all lives near one another. so i can abuse privileges by utilizing the safety of cousins and comfort of siblings to shield me from anxiety and fear.

i've never had that. reliable, automatic, adult friends through family to hang out with on a school night.

but then again, i don't like people. and would probably en anger some.

and then i would have to apologize.

quoted and red. part 2.

So I created the title for yesterdays post. got poetic. and drifted from the intended topic.

I thought I should share the quote that got whisked away. Far from perfect. Doesn't really fit me. But alas, it's done.

Laughter is much more important that applause. Applause is almost a duty. Laughter is a reward.
~Carol Channing

I will be honest. I finally just thought, what do I like? And Carol Channing always pops into my head when I utter these 4 words. So I found a very Carol quote for my time of need. And while I agree. I don't think it truly fits my me-ness at this time in my life.

But you see, this is what happens when one is toasted. Red. From a day at Seven Peaks. And completely embarrassed at the fact that I'm being forced to purchase a new swimsuit bottom.

I spent a good 6 hours trying to hide the fact that what used to be my cute, sassy (and might I add flirty?) swimsuit skirt turns into an uneven, unflattering, evening gown when wet.

Seriously. And rolling it into the waist cannot hide the the atrocity.

You see, bras and swimsuits are in the same category for me. Purchase one every 10 years, and forget about it. Because shopping for these items is a pain. One that should be banished to once a decade. If that.

Unless it's a swim skirt that doesn't hold it's elastic past 2 or 3 years. Which forces you to swim in embarrassment or shop before ready.

So right now? Laughter is not a reward. Only a reminder of those 6 hours. With no place to hide.

quoted and red.

so i have some very intelligent friends. and it sounds like we all need to grab us a wallace stegner novel. stat.

which i will. because i have a plan.

july: update future classes. finish updating all photo albums. 5 years worth. for there will be no time for photos for 5 more years come the end of august.

august: focus. on. two. things. plus a little bit more. for august will be the end. of life. as. we. know. it. kindergarten begins. and i will not work for the first two weeks. only walks to school. and bonding. and a lingering with the final whisperings of toddler-ness. and weekends shall be devoted to freezing meals. 8 months worth. for that will be the next time that i might breathe long enough to cook.

and perhaps. somewhere. sometime. i can throw in a bit of wallace. just for fun. for fall will shroud all reading with discipline and learning. and novels will be replaced with responsibility. and due dates.

needing a quote.

So where do you go to find a quote that's supposed to be your favorite. Knowing that it will be listed under an image of you, out for all to view and judge. Based on someone else's words?

Seriously. I need a quote. As in yesterday.

skipping beats....

because my public relations failure received a slight reprieve this evening when I checked class enrollment for summer 2010.

i now have 4 students enrolled.

the past week, as i spent the wee hours of the eve working to create something to insight life changing educational experiences, i was slowly fading into grief. knowing that my hours of work would only be seen by two people. and realizing the effort might not be worth the outcome.

until tonight. logging in. dreading that number 2.

and then seeing 4.

hope has returned.

and fear.

for 3 masters and 1 phd.

to stay in the course.

and not drop.

continuity theory in human form.

and now i admit to the world the truth.

not too much here in regards to redeeming qualities.

i made cinnamon rolls.

to find redemption.

for everything.

but only found joy in the short journey to my stomach.

and it didn't work.

failure people.

right here.

at connecting with humans. siblings. plumbers. kids. PR.