January 30, 1992.

I kept a journal off and on from age 7 (1984) through high school. In an attempt to reminisce...understand myself....okay to come to terms with the 31 year old me, the following is a randomly chosen entry.

1/30/1992 (15 years old)

I love acting now more than anything. In English we are reading Romeo + Juliet. It is so good. I think that Shakespeare is one of the greatest writers ever. I wish I could read more of his work, but I wouldn't understand it at all. Mr. English (my English teacher) is helping explain everything.

I can't wait to try out for the spring play "Our Town." I really want a part.

listening to Sister Julie Beck.

I don't know what I think. The Relief Society General President came to speak to our ward Enrichment last night. Just our ward. Her daughter (who is a kind neighbor) is our enrichment leader. The original topic was to be teaching children to enjoy the scriptures. And I felt ridiculous when I realized that I had forgotten my scriptures. But she decided to switch the topic - and spoke to us about the definition of Relief Society. What is it? And why do we have it?

So - I thought that I would include my notes for anyone interested. I came away with questions. And I should have spoken up at the meeting, since it was meant to be a discussion - one for comments, one for questions. But I was scared. I'm not articulate when it comes to some of my thoughts about faith; unless I prepare them ahead of time. And I had so much going on in my head. Circling. And I didn't want to say something that came out wrong - which we all know that in my current state it totally would have come out wrong. So I kept quiet. And I thought. I'll include some of my thoughts in parentheses and in this color. Everything in black are my notes from the meeting - they are not Sister Beck's exact words. Just what I could paraphrase.

Sister Beck's daughter missed 40-50 days of kindergarten because they would have so much fun playing in the morning that they would forget to go to the afternoon scheduled time.

General Presidency has been asking what is Relief Society? Have taken it apart - looked at the history, searching.

In India - One woman, who is in an abusive marriage, wanted more than anything to prepare her 14 year old for a mission. She was not born in the gospel, they have no examples of how to do this. How is she supposed to do this? For enrichment night, the women painted pots for a windowsill that this woman doesn't have.

Ghana - Relief Society means wearing a dress with the name of the church on it and a large picture of Joseph Smith. Women need dental, medical, money to eat. But they save up for a dress.

Websites - People in the states think that they need to go to websites with lists of ideas of activities and things to make for enrichment.

None of these are what Relief Society is about.

Power of R.S. won't be fully exercised until "both sisters and Priesthood catch vision of Relief Society." Spencer W. Kimball.

What are you doing with your time?
Gatekeeper - we the women are the gatekeepers of the home. What are you letting into your house?
Spiritual leader of the home. Ask yourself, "Am I going to be the spiritual leader? How am I going to do it?"

We know that wards are doing book groups for enrichment. How do we know? We go to the ward and see it advertised on the programs. Groups of sisters are getting together to read Twilight. Why would a group of sisters who made covenants in the temple want to get together to read something wrong?

Is the goal of Relief Society a book group? Isn't it to bond with other sisters?

Other sisters watch Oprah every day. An hour with Oprah. Oprah doesn't believe in family. Oprah's reading a book that says women are depressed because they've been taught that there is sin. Without this teaching, they won't be depressed says the book.

(I'm afraid that the comments about book groups and Oprah will be what people remember more than anything. And wasn't the point of book groups to bond with other sisters? Isn't this type of thing what was counseled in the past? I realize change is coming, but how can wards know to change if they don't know that this is not what is wanted? And I didn't know Oprah was anti family? Although I haven't seen or read the book that was being referred to. She didn't say. So I can't judge this.)

Alma 30 - no sin, no righteousness, no point to life.

Job of women is to bear the children.

Moses 5:10 - Eve's job was to teach children.

What other duties do women have?

1. Support husband

What's a patriarch?
Priesthood holder. Families are created when a sealing occurs - becomes an eternal, Priesthood organization. Sealed together. Authority comes to both man and woman. Blessed together.

In a meeting the other day and Elder Nelson said how he wanted something done. There was some discussion and by the end he had changed his mind. And he said "I am repenting from what I said." He didn't do anything wrong but he repented in the sense that he changed. Changed what he was planning.

(But he didn't sin. I don't get why he would say this if he did nothing wrong. It seems so harsh. I didn't understand why this stood out to Sister Beck. Does this also mean that reading, taking time for oneself is sin? probably not is my assumption - but I don't know.)

R.S. created to strengthen other women. Immovable. Be stronger in your faith. How are you going to do this? I don't know. We have to pray to know and how to help others. Make us strong in our families and to defend doctrine of the family.

We need to all strengthen each other. Our influence is as important as the Priesthood.

Idea of ideal Relief Society:

• Serve all
• Help everyone
• Pray to know who and how to help
• Only goal to teach kids to serve missions
• No exact way
• No practical plan

Organized to help women stand strong and immovable to help others. If do this as a ward, our influence will grow to the ward and stake. More people will come to church, more will become involved, etc.

Only ward in Utah that she's teaching this to. Will follow up with our Bishop. Like an experiment.

(Is it possible? I don't know. I'm a bit sceptical. Some can and will do this. But everyone? I have doubt. Like the law of consecration - nice in principle, but in our current imperfect state? Extremely difficult.)

I always come away from things like this feeling that I should have been a man. I have ambition, and I am awful at homemaking. I don't desire to play with my kids all the time and there is no way that I would forget Kindergarten. I count the minutes until nap time so that I can have a break. And I'm just too selfish.

done counting.

The heels have been returned, stickers have been distributed, and it is time to watch Mary Poppins!

Hallelujah for incentive.

2 days and counting.

In the great pooping saga of 2008 - daughter Millie has not had a bowel movement pass the toilet since Sunday night. Monday morning, it was back to poopy panties. And since that time, we have had none.

Partially because I took away the snow white sticks (aka heels) and movie privileges until we have toilet success.

And I just want the world to know that she is not constipated. Oh no. She gets her daily dose of Miralax, watermelon, and blueberries.

So it should be any time now.

On another note....

Laying next to Millie, putting her to bed.

She reaches over my head and grabs something, holds it up.

Me: What's that?

Millie: It's a kleenex. (It was actually one small square of toilet paper.)

Me: What's it for?

Millie: For my boogers. When I have to pick my nose.

We've been working on illiminating the nose picking and eating habit. If only she were as willing to listen to us regarding her bowels.

photo via marcalandavis

thinking.

I feel something coming. I sense something imminent. And my mind is racing:

1. Clin's birthday. It's coming up. I have nothing. I've planned nothing. I'm full of nothing.


2. I want my drink.


3. Dog barking. Naps and first thing in the morning. Every. Day. Reinforcing my dislike for dogs.


4. Millie needs to go to the dentist. Like a year ago. And should I go with pediatric, or normal? And who?


5. Thanksgiving Point - Dinosaur museum is overpriced, but the kiddie cones for 3 and under are just right.


6. Is my garage door closed? 3:00 AM. Should I get up and check? Again?
   
7. Rotten bananas dripping on my phone list.
   
8. Should I force myself to post a picture on the blog of our shoe closet? Will it motivate me to clean it up?
   
9. I really like garlic.

welcoming you into my bedroom.

This is a picture of our dresser. It has 5 drawers. Please note the bottom four. What do they have in common? All open. True. All overflowing with items. Check. All belonging to my spouse.

8 years of marriage. 8 years of open drawers.

The consistency of it all? Kind of charming.

shopping.

Picture Wal-Mart. Any Wal-Mart. That's right, mine looks just like yours.

We have just crossed the entrance, and I can see the lettuce. Produce is our destination.

Millie: Ow, my bum hurts.

Me: Okay - let's go to the bathroom.

And I'm thinking, YES! No groceries in the cart yet. This will be fast, easy and very do-able. Park the cart and let Millie work her magic.

Mille: I don't want to go to the bathroom.

Crying, nashing of teeth, anger.

Me: (In my "I'm an awesomely patient Mother who knows how to negotiate with her three year old" voice.) I know that you need to go. We will stand and wait to shop until you go.

No movement.

Patrons enter. Patrons exit.

Still no movement.

Me: Okay, let's shop. No more chances to go to the bathroom.

Almost to produce - still nothing in cart.

Millie: (In her, "I'm a loud, demanding 3 year old" voice.) My bum hurts.

Me: (In my, "I hope every knows why she just said bum and hurt in the same sentence" voice.)Then you have to go potty.

Millie: I don't have to go potty.

Still nothing in the cart. I'm thinking, no problem. I'm thinking that we can patiently return to the center of the store and try again, hoping that no one recognizes me from the first trip.

This time, new strategy. We will all go into the stall. Me, Millie, and my 16 month old who still refuses to walk. Only one stall is open and it happens to be the largest. No problem. So do-able.

Millie, seeing the stall, throws herself to the floor in a highly dramatic fit - I catch her as I smile to the women washing their hands (why are there so many people in the bathroom this morning?) because I'm a happy mom, thankful for my children, and I am also not abusive in any way. That's right, my screaming child is the product of an amazing parent - and my smile proves it.

Enter the stall. Screams. Crying. Nashing of teeth. SCREAMS.

Millie: I don't want to go.

Me: If you don't go potty then we have to go home. I can't shop if you are in pain.

Millie: I don't have to go. I want to shop.

Me: Go, or I'll take you home.

Millie: No. (Scream, scream, scream, scream, scream.)

Me: (In my, "I will force you to comprehend as if you are twenty years older" voice.) Do not scream in the store.

Scream, scream, scream, scream, scre-

I grab the screaming screamer and we walk out. Empty cart a faint memory.

And as we walk the same half length of the store -

Millie: (In her, "EVERYONE, it's the end of the world" voice.) My bum hurts. I don't want to go home. My bum hurts. I want to shop. I want to shop

.....all the way to the car.

photo via racineur

May 22, 1995 or 1:00 AM on Tuesday the 23rd.

I kept a journal off and on from age 7 (1984) through high school. In an attempt to reminisce...understand myself....okay to come to terms with the 31 year old me, the following is a randomly chosen entry.

5/22/1995 (18 years old)

So much has happened sine I last wrote.

This week I will catch up on some important events:

• Lost in Yonkers
• Prom
• Ryan Smith
• College/Job

I only have 2 weeks of school left! Good & bad. Means I have to get a job & soon I'll have to go to college. I just registered over the phone. I'm gonna take American Heritage, Religion (Book of Mormon), English, Math, Ballet, Jazz, Theatre, Musical Theatre Seminar. Sad because I didn't get Tap Dancing; but I might get a singing class & another theatre class that would be fun.

Don't want to go away because I'll be seperated from my favorite people; My Family, Bryan, Kelly, & Elliott. These are my best friends.

Elliott & I have now been going out on weekends since February. We talk about everything & he even told me that he tells me more than anyone else & that I was like his best friend. He's always there for me & it is almost like we are inseperable pals. What's cool is that we are just friends & that makes it easy, not tense. Neither expects to much out of the other. We just know we are there if the other needs a friend. I wish it could last forever. I know when I leave it won't be as good; but I'm going to do my best to keep this friendship alive.

Somethings different about it. We have so much in common. Our thoughts, actions, tastebuds, comedy, etc. I love him to death; just like Kelly & Bryan. I know that our friendship can work; because I still love Bryan despite the fact that I haven't seen him for 2 years. Plus, I haven't written.

But I will write to Elliott because I want to know about his dating scene while I'm away. He is the coolest cat & I am so thankful to have gotten to know him. I am blessed.

typing.

Okay - the best, THE BEST, the best replacement for solitaire. ever.

http://play.typeracer.com/

Go there now. Race against the masses. It's awesome. addictive. great.

weepie.

The Weepies. My new favorite. Thanks be to Krista. And I'll bet you've all been holding out on me. I'll bet this group is old news to you.

And I also like this song, this song, and this song.

motion sick.

Yesterday we Lagooned. All Day long. The last hurrah of Summer 2008.

brief.

This is theme week. What is theme week, you ask? It's where I pick a theme and that's what we do all week! It couldn't be more exciting.

So the theme for this week (drum roll) is brevity. Yup. All of my posts are going to be brief.

School starts next Monday, and I have lots and lots of work to do on my online course. I've tried pawning it off on Clin, Millie, even Ellis. But alas, no takers.

In an attempt to start this theme off right - go to Clin's blog. He finally posted. And as I know many of you have been reading this as an attempt to fill the emptiness, you can now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

February 20, 1990.

I kept a journal off and on from age 7 (1984) through high school. In an attempt to reminisce...understand myself....okay to come to terms with the 31 year old me, the following is a randomly chosen entry.

2/20/1990 (Please remember I was 13.)

I miss Kirstin and Judy soooooo much!!! I really need them now to help me solve problems. I can't wait till Kirstin comes during spring break. I hope Judy comes back. Lately I've been crying a lot. (Like tonight.) There are many reasons why. I tell them to you!

#1 I got mad at Lucy* today. She wanted a bite of a sandwich and when I was handing it to her she dropped. I told her she had to throw it away, because she dropped it. She said it was mine, got all mad and made me throw it away! Jen got made cause I was mad at Lucy. After that something struck inside me, I guess I just blamed her for everything that had happened during the day. But I was mad at her for not waiting, and totally ignoring me this morning!!! She didn't even say goodbye!

#2 This morning getting off the bus I was the last one off no one waited for me. They just all went ahead with Clarice, Margareta, and them.

#3 I hate 5th lunch! I don't know anyone there! I go to Melissa's locker with Clarice, Britney, Alice, Melissa, and Debra. No one really paid attention to me! Then Melissa asked everyone not to leave without her, to wait. She sort of got mad because no one waited for her. I did, she totally ignored me. So I went by myself to lunch. I was embarrassed, lonely, and felt like crying.

#4 Piano. I now have to practice 2 hours a day. My last half hour today. I totally get stressed out!!!

I think I was stressed out all day.

#5 Clarice. She never says hi to me in the halls anymore. I think its because I never do. But I never do cause she never does. Last January, Margareta had a party. I wasn't invited. (I don't really mind.) Clarice had a party. I wasn't invited, practicly everyone else was. (I did mind.) Sometimes when Clarice talks about Margareta behind her back I feel like saying, Clarice, why do you talk about your friends that way? I don't think you should, or else you might end up like me with barely any friends. Then I'd walk off, so she couldn't answer. Just think about it.

(This is the longest I've ever writen, I guess I really was stressed out.)

Jen called after school wondering why I was mad at Lucy. I told her I wouldn't tell her because it was personal. Lucy called back later asking the same question. I told her I was mad because of the sandwich. I told Jen it wasn't the reason so now Lucy told Jen it was the reason. Jen probably thinks I lied. It was only part of the reason. I didn't lie!!!

To Lucy,
Lucy, I'm sorry! You know you're my best friend. Even though I know I'm not yours anymore. But I don't care what you think. No matter what I say or you say or anybody else says you'll always be my best friend.

Jack

(Best Friends At Heart.) (Meaning true Best Friends)

I (heart) Bobby! XOXOXO

*Names have been changed for kicks and giggles.

designing.

I tried to get fancy this week. I bought a new shower curtain. A cloth shower curtain. The first that I've ever purchased. I showed Clin the package - he didn't seem to have an opinion, so I hung it up.

The first comment toward the curtain? "It's dark."

And then he noticed the birds. But they are few and far between. And they're blue. Who can say no to blue birds? I couldn't.

The comments progressed into intonations of grandmotherly design.

So I took it down and bought this one.

Admit it - you miss the blue birds. Don't you.

running.

I went to my first consignment sale. I imagined a vast array of items, all under a dollar, and everything something that I would need. At 8:55 I attempted to enter, but all there were told to wait the 5 minutes until the volunteers finished their shopping. 9:00 AM it opened. And we were off.

I was totally out of my league. Each person seemed to have a strategy. One couple split and went in opposite directions, as they quickly looked over everything. I could tell that I should get out of their way.

Another woman brought a stroller. For her baby, you would think. But no! She used it for multiple purposes: in the likeness of a shopping cart, as a barrier to create a larger circle of space, as well as a instrument of defense.

They had a strategy. But I had none.

Soon I was fretting. What if I didn't get anything good? What if I missed the best items?

That's when all decorum and good will departed. That's when my strategy turned mean. What strategy? I just appeared; out of nowhere, from somewhere deep and innate within.

I grabbed everything that I saw - even if I only thought I wanted it.

One woman had a brand new Beauty and the Beast Belle doll. And all I thought about was Millie and her princess fetish. I knew I had to have it and began stalking. I followed the woman everywhere, thinking, she'll put it down.

To no avail. I started scheming about taking the doll, tripping the woman, bumping into her, anything that could get me the doll.

In the end I left with some books, a couple of baby toys, magnetic wooden dress up doll, hair bows, and one jumper. My deals were okay. Some were particularly astounding.

But I left feeling a bit empty......for the doll that got away.

Photo via dbarronoss

passive aggressive.

We went to the Provo Kneaders with Ma and Pa in-laws. French toast heaven? Yes. It's true.

But as we stood in line waiting for our french toast goodness, we all noticed that there were no seats left in the restaurant. Not 1. Oh, okay, there was one next to a woman eating at a table alone. And two across from a couple with a newborn. One next to a large man who I saw pick his nose and eat it while sitting in his car, and then two next to a large group of BYU students.

I guess we could have sent Millie to sit next to the woman, and Clin and the baby could have befriended Mr. Nose, in-laws could have sat by the newborn couple and I could have hob-nobbed with the students (because I'm social like that.)

But we didn't do that. No. We felt it important to sit next to each other; share our time as a family and that led us to our predicament. Where would we sit?

That's when our accusitory glances began. I could see it in Clin's eyes - and I'm sure I was reflecting the same thoughts.

BYU students - you are done eating. You have three tables and at least 6 chairs, plus a large sofa. Leave, already.

And to the 4 senior missionaries sitting outside? You have been talking since we arrived. I don't think I've even seen you with food on your plates. That's how long you've been here. You'll leave when you see that we have two children (one who cannot walk), and a toddler who will run into the street if we don't provide her with even a lap to sit on. You'll take pity on us....right? Missionaries are supposed to serve and sacrifice. Come on already, sacrifice!

And woman sitting by yourself? Go eat in your car. You don't need a chair....right?

I know. Selfish. But the longer you walk around with huge plates of french toast, overflowing syrup, a handful of napkins and utensils, a baby in your arms, and a toddler tugging your other arm, the aggression builds up.

So we assumed that people would grow uncomfortable as we stood over them, glaring in desperation and accusation as our eyes said, "Your plates our empty. It is time to leave. Look at our hungry children. Take pity on us now."

It didn't work. Clin went outside and sat on some wet grass with the two girls. He was so busy wrestling them that he couldn't even take a bite. It was the In-laws that saved us; found a table just in time. And as we ate, we continued to glare at the missionaries, single woman, booger man, and students.

having a laugh.

In an effort to encourage cartwheels from all in our family, we sat down to watch Women's Gymnastics. The following commercial came on.

Millie's thoughts? "Look at those big boys."

December 15, 1989.

I kept a journal off and on from age 7 (1984) through high school. In an attempt to reminisce...understand myself....okay to come to terms with the 31 year old me, the following is a randomly chosen entry.

12/15/89 (Please remember I was 12)

It's 12:13. I just got back from babysitting for the Fuccilo's. Boring! I'm going to be tired tomorrow! At least I don't have school for 2 more weeks!! Christmas vacation. Today at school Kelly just walked away from me while I was asking her a question! So I'm supposed to be mad at her, but I'm not. She just thinks I am.

Today at the dance Bobby* didn't ask me to dance! In fact nobody asked me to dance!!! 2 people asked Jen, 1 person asked Kelly, and 1 person asked Wendy! They all said No! I wanted to ask Bobby but I was scared that he would say no, and then he would know I liked him and I would see him at school and church and feel more embarrased!! He could also have wanted to say no, but danced with me feeling sorry for me!

I wanted to ask him he say yes and mean it or I wanted him to ask me or I want my friends to ask If he will dance with me and if he likes me!!!

I Bobby! XOXOXO

*Names have been changed to keep embarrassment to a minimum.

entertained.

I'm sitting here watching the finale of So You Think You Can Dance and the judging panel is OUT OF CONTROL.

Nigel just tapped with a group of young kids from Debbie Allen's Dance Studio. Mary did a ballroom number, and the other judges are laughing out of turn, throwing down dancing battles, and talking crazy.

I'm not used to such insanity. The insanity of having to stretch a show out 2 hours. But I love it, and I don't care. I'm partying with the best from the comfort of my own sofa.

Okay - the judging panel is completely DRUNK. Debbie Allen just quoted Little C. That is not something you hear every day.

They have not yet announced the winner, but I don't even care. Of the final four, my favorite, and the strongest of the female dancers, came in third.

So to you Katee I say - You were totally gypped. The only pas de deux the show has ever done included you. The only 2 dancers capable of this? The 2 that happened to draw it from the hat. Chance? I think not!

And neither of of you won. For shame.

damaged.

I am on the library board. That is right. I was voted in. Yup. Who knew that anyone knew me?

Last night, as I attended my first meeting, we discussed the new fee policy for damaged books. The librarian brought show and tell; a variety of damaged items.

The most shocking? Boogers. You heard that right. She opened a book and it had tons of boogers. And it was now considered damaged.

So our first item of business was to add boogers to the itemized list of fines.

Okay - we didn't really add it to the list, but we so should have.

working...right now.

This is my break. Posting this post. I have been working since 10:00 PM and it is now almost 4:00 AM (MST). I'm tired but okay because I'm actually getting through my work. I'm alone. It's quiet. How often do I get to say that?

Never.

Perhaps I will post later today. Oh, say, at 4:00 PM and share with you the misery that will occur as I attempt to care for the 2 babes on no sleep.... That might be fun.

jealous.

Clin: "I love her."

Me: "You love her?"

Clin: "I love her."

I say this all the time; that I love someone. Male or female, it's my way of saying I like something a lot. But Clin never says this. Occasionally to me. Occasionally. But about someone else? Never.

So to hear this gave me a bit of a twinge. A double-take. And then I thought...

I think that I love her too.

chapped.

If you happen upon a tube of Burt's Bees Beeswax Lip Balm, it's mine. Or rather, it belongs to my lips. They're having some trouble coping without and would appreciate its return.

photo via ijerf

counting sheep.

4:00 AM - Clin's parent's house.

I awake to a distant scream.

Doorbell rings.

Scream escalates.

Millie's awake. Yelling for me. But 3 hours and 40 minutes ago I dragged myself from the couch, wiped the saliva off my arm and angrily took myself to bed in the basement. Millie was sleeping in an upstairs bedroom near Poppa and Granny Lany.

All of the thoughts running through my head stopped me from quickly returning to my slumber. I began obsessing on my list of things to do:

1. Call Sis. D about arranging horse back riding for YW this month. But she may be out of town, in which case I need to find a new activity and will have a lot to do to plan for this week...


2. Make a list of freezer meals and grocery list for freezer meal activity.


3. Find a 1 to 2 lb rock....go to sleep already.....


4. Create a handout about rocks. Perhaps could give each small rocks, or perhaps rock candy. Need to ask Alana where to find rock candy.


5. Why can't I sleep?


6. YW will have to be at my house this week. I will have to clean. When was the last time I cleaned? I really don't have time to clean. When will I clean?


7. Complete online orientation for work.


8. What if YW don't want to come to my house?


9. I have a library board meeting on Wed - so need to schedule YW for Tuesday or Thursday.
   
   
10. SLEEP ALREADY! Why can't I sleep?

Turn over. Angry at world. Start list again:

1. Call Sis. D about arranging horse.....etc.

Eventually the lists turned into sheep.

Then. Loud crying. Distant scream. Doorbell rings. Screaming escalates.

I realize that Millie thinks I'm still on the couch and when I'm not there she sets the doorbell off by loudly screaming which begins a cycle of louder screams.

"Clin - Millie's screaming."

That's right. I sent Clin.

I felt bad, for a second, and then I turned over and started counting. Again.

February 3, 1992.

I kept a journal off and on from age 7 (1984) through high school. In an attempt to reminisce...understand myself....okay to come to terms with the 31 year old me, the following is a randomly chosen entry.

2/3/92 (Please remember I was 15 and a freshman)

This is the first time I have ever had to add paper to this journal. Today I got my grades for my 1st semester in High School. I remember when I was in middle & grade school. I used to want 4.00's all through high school. What is the deal? I already failed that dream. Am I lazy? I feel as if I am a lot! I got a 3.71! I got 2 B's. 1 was in Biology and the other was in Honors English. As hard as I try in those classes it seems I can't bring my grade up. When I showed my parents my report card - They didn't even say good job! They asked why I got a certain B. I had to go through the process of explaining it. Then Dad wouldn't listen to me or even believe me when I knew what was right. It's like just because he is grown up he should know. But he was wrong. I knew he was cause he was. Mom & Dad were making a big deal over nothing.