re-examining my fill.

What is it about actors? Every time I'm in a room with a whole bunch of them, I think - ahhh! Why do they each have to be the loudest? The funniest? Why do they each want the attention? And then I think, please don't ever let me be like that. And I turn into the quietest, shyest person in the room. So much so that I tend to blend into the background.

This is one of the reasons that I don't like auditions. Did you know that I once lost a lead part in college, because I was not socializing with the final other 3 actors in the room? And do you know why I wasn't socializing? They were already friends. They already knew each other. So I listened and smiled on cue, and did my best to act like they were funny (although I didn't really care), but it wasn't enough. And the girl that got the part deserved it. And it was better that I didn't. But it hurt. Because when the director tells you that it is between you and the one other girl that got it.... and says that she just needs you to be funnier...

So how can you be funnier on cue? Especially when you know that you are being compared right at that moment and everything is riding on you being funny.

And that leads me to the other reason I don't enjoy auditions. Comparisons. It's all about the subjective opinion of a few people. Watching you. Comparing your looks and your talent in that one moment. The original audition? When it is you, standing there, in front of a panel of people - not so bad. The callback is a different story.

You enter a room full of people. Some know each other and tend to make this very apparent. If you happen to be one of these lucky few, you cling to those you know. It is what gives you confidence.

And then, if you don't know anyone - you either try to meet people and create some semblance of support, or you sit in shy solitude. I've been in each group, but usually shy solitude is my corner of choice.

But everyone, every single person in the room, watches the performance of the others. And they start sizing up their competition. You always know who you are up against. And in my case? I always know who is better than me. And you pray that you can read early, or that no one before you will make the same choices that you plan to make....or else you will have to re plan your scene/song.

And most callbacks you walk away feeling lousy. Because you sense who connected with the material, or who connected with the director. And you know that you weren't well enough prepared.

So I don't enjoy callbacks. Acting is all about callbacks. That is the life of an actor. And that is probably why I became too practical to continue wanting to face such comparisons.

But - and let me put this in a way that might be understandable to at least the tween girls of the world - So you know how Edward (Twilight. duh.) needs to leave every once in awhile to get his fill of bear blood? And then he can call it good on his cravings for at least a few weeks? - that is how it goes with acting.

And last Saturday morn I had my fill. And walked away from a callback ready to conquer something. Adrenaline pumping. Lark like in my happiness.

Because sometimes, not often, but sometimes something clicks. And you leave a callback sensing that for once you made the right choices. And click. It fit. And it felt good. And it doesn't even matter if you get the part. Because that feeling, that moment, can sustain you for at least another two years.